Sunday, October 26, 2014

Social Anxiety Disorder

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Harini nk cakap pasal MY social anxiety disorder. Yup, I have it now. Not sure it started after ayah meninggal atau lepas I've been badly accused of not doing my job in a meeting. But I think it is after the meeting sebab lepas ayah meninggal, I still did my best in school (I think so).

It happened 3-4 years ago but it feels just like yesterday. The meeting that night was a disaster for me. I don't think I can erase that feeling. It was then when we were all seated in the cold room. It was a post-mortem meeting so each of the meeting members should be ready. We started discussing about how bad our program was. The program was a disaster because of the lack of participants and poor choice of place for the annual camp. As the head of publicity, I was bashed of not giving enough information about our camp program to the other students in campus. there should be two excos for publicity, one boy and one girl. But something happened in publicity period that is before the camp. The boy excos start changing because the former one got sick and because of that I don't know who to work with anymore. So I did the job mostly by myself. The 'best' thing is, I was the only one who got the red card! I was the only one they were blaming. I was the only one that my job wasn't appreciated by the president. My heart was torn into shreds. My palms got sweaty and I blushed with embarrassment. There's not even a single person in that meeting room says that I wasn't the only one at fault. Not even my partner. We were newcomers. We had been an exco just a few months before the camp.  They should know better that we didn't receive any proper guidance from the higher level. By the end of the meeting, everyone was shaking each others' hands and say goodbye. My friend even ask me if I had a fever because I was sweating and my cheeks felt so hot in that cold room. Seriously, I don't know who I should blame right now. But I think I'm blaming myself. Every time I think of it, it's like breathing in water. I just rushed back to my room that night..while drowning in tears.

And.. Ada la masa satu program orientasi ni. Ada sesi kenal2 dengan senior. dan tibalah masanya the seniors dan juniors perkenalkan diri masing-masing dan bertukar pendapat tentang the first impression bila kami jumpa each other. so we were divided into groups. My group was about 10 people or something.. all girls of course. Then there's this senior in our group. She is so pretty and I adore every bit of her. So I told her "First impression dekat akak.. akak ni cantik".. she said thanks and began to tell us the first impression she had on me in front of others. "Akak nampak awak tak confident dengan diri sendiri". By that time, it hurts. It hurts more because it was the truth! I wasn't expecting much, but the thing is.. it hurts till now.

that's how my campus life started. Kalau orang yang pernah solat sekali dengan ana, and I was the imam, they will know how cold and trembling my hands were setiap kali lepas solat. Ana baca surah pun with a shaky voice. It's hard to be in the center of attention. To be exact, I hate it. I think that's why I have limitation to my voice. I can't be a leader like this. A leader should have loud voices and be proud of who she is. Dan bila time dalam kelas, ada lecturer tanya soalan. Most of the time, I know the answers. But I couldn't say it... I was so afraid of what other people think of me. Susah betul...

Ana juga tak suka bercakap dalam telefon. I feel suffocated and if the conversation doesn't go to well, I will blame myself for it.

That's why by the end of this week, I will put my president title down from a club in my university. I am truly sorry...

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Ask Me Anything!

Now you can ask me anything you wanna know. But the answers might be a lil disappointing XD

:) Regards (:


Ni nak kongsi sikit my artwork yang x seberapa. hihi~ I'm sucks at drawing real-life people potrait, but if imaginary bleh la. Haa... tak pelik kan? biasa la tu..
So, here they are..

Zoro san~
 Ni buat lam kelas. Bohsanggg!!
 this is him..hehe XD
 me and me mum here..
 This is him.Again.. <3

Ni semua copyright okay. You amek, I sue you. You can always ask for my permission though :)

My New Fave

Assalamualaikum <3

Do you miss me? I know you do! hehe XD 

Hidup sekarang alhamdulillah, syukurlillah.. Of course, bila dah meningkat dewasa, semakin banyak tanggungjawab. Macam Uncle Ben cakap tu,
"With great power comes great responsibility."

Yes, I have new love in my life >_< no, not Neko! Well, I still madly love neko though.. :3

Haa... back to the title. I love this new album by Raef, ala.. retis nasyid yang sama agency ngan Maher Zain tu. More importantly, he's in Malaysia now, promoting his new album, "The Path". Cool!

This is one of my fave. Comel sangat video and the lyrics too! <3
Lebih-lebih lagi bila hati tengah berbunga ni kan.. hehe. koya!!!

Enjoy, people!

Friday, August 9, 2013

2 Syawal yang "berdarah"

2 Syawal 1434H

“Assalamualaikum..sihat?” dia bertanya di hujung talian..
“waalaikumussalam..sihat alhamdulillah” aku tersenyum walau hati penuh luka. Dalam hatiku berkata-kata “act normal,aini..act normal”
“suara macam letih je…” dia berkata…

I won’t reveal that now..  even though that I already knew the truth. Ya, aku letih. Letih dan serak kerana menangis tak berhenti selepas sahur pagi tadi. Mataku bengkak sampai sekarang. Sedih, pedih! Orang yang aku percayai sepanjang hidup sanggup melakukan sesuatu seperti itu. Aku rasa ditipu… That’s why I won’t see you the same again.

Aku tak tahu kenapa kau buat macamtu. Walaupun kau ada alasan, kau takde hak nak melanggar hukum Tuhan. Allahu Rabb… Aku mohon diberi kekuatan dari segala sudut. Impianku adalah untuk bersama denganmu di dalam Syurga Allah..And still I hope for that! Aku masih sayangkan dirimu..tapi sayang…kau tak menyayangi diri sendiri. Aku juga marah pada yang lain kerana tak menegurmu walau tahu kebenaran yang menyakitkan ini.. tapi aku juga marah pada diri sendiri kerana tak ada kekuatan to directly telling u this. Aku malu… malu dengan diri sendiri. dikau adalah harapan untuk sedekahkan Al-Fatihah untuk ayahmu sendiri. Tapi kenapa pilih jalan itu? Tak tahukah kau ayahmu terseksa di alam sana atas perbuatanmu?? Nau’zubillahimin zaalik! Air mataku tak berhenti mengalir mengenangkan perkara itu. Walau sehingga saat ini! Sakit…sakit sekali! Sejak pagi tadi, sejak aku tahu perkara ini, sejak subuh tadi, aku tak pernah berhenti berdoa pada Allah supaya hatimu berubah, berubah kearah kebaikan, kembali menuju jalan yang lurus sambil air mataku mengalir lagi..deras..

Aku rasa kau lebih tahu perkara ni.. Kau rasa apa ibumu akan kata kalau aku beritahu dia pasal hal ni? Ya! Sudah pasti dia akan sedih..mungkin juga pengsan for this shocking truth. Tapi.. aku takkan berbuat begitu. Aku juga sangat menyayangi ibumu. Kalau aku sudah terasa peritnya, apalagi ibumu sendiri.
Hal ini merungkai semua misteri tentang dirimu..yang jauh disana. Pasti kau hairan bagaimana aku tahu kan? Ya, I read your filthy blog. That side of you, macamana hidup kau, dan segala-galanya tentang dirimu yang aku tak pernah tahu. Bagiku ini musibah dari Allah.. taknak ambil pengajarankah dari kaum-kaum terdahulu? Ambil Al-Quran, baca! Baca dan baca kembali!

Allah, Allah… aku mohon kau beri hidayah padanya. Tunjukkan dia jalan kembali.. Kau lebih mengetahui isi hatinya Ya Allah.. Aku hanya mampu bermohon.. Kau ampunilah dosa-dosanya. Lembutkan hatinya yang keras.. kuatkanlah dia untuk berubah. Aminn Ya Rabb…

==ini cerita benar. Kalau rekaan aku takkan emosi seperti ini.wassalam==

p/s: if you are reading this, before I die, ini adalah wasiatku…tolong berubah. Tolong berubah demi Allah, demi dirimu sendiri, demi ayahmu, demi ibumu,demi adik-beradikmu… demi kekasihmu, Rasulullah (aku  harap dia masih menjadi kekasihmu yang pertama dan bukannya org lain)

Sunday, March 10, 2013

MMU ikuzo!!

Assalamualaikum.. rasa dah berkurun tak kongsi cerita kat blog. isn't it? hehe~ well, now i'm currently and officially a student of Multimedia University (Cyberjaya campus). During three years,I'm taking Bachelor in Computer Science with specialization in either three;
i.Software Engineering 
ii.Information Technology
iii. Games Development
which only can be choose during my second year.
For this sem, I've to take only three subjects.Yes,THREE subjects only! which means i have plenty of time to socialize. Jeng3~ haha.*kidding*
During Orientation Days, I've met soooo many awesome people from different backgrounds, country, sizes, colors, bla..bla..bla..Seriously, for me, it is totally a whole new world, completely differ from what I've seen in UiTM and KUIS. And of course, every place has the dark side instead of good stuffs. in MMU, I think we can learn to be independent, and can boost one's confidence. Despite of those good qualities, the environment is not really Islamic (from my perspective). Well,it actually depends on how we,ourselves, coop with people around us. This can be my platform of Da'wah, isn't it? I may be a total loser and Jahil in Islam, but I can't stand looking at my friends who has gone too far from what we call "Islam as the way of life".So,this is the perfect time for me to share, to contribute something to our religion :)
Wish me all the best for my upcoming obstacles in MMU. All for the sake of ISLAM. Pray for me so that I won't stray from the right path. Thanks. Jazakumullahu khairan kathira~

p/s: takde masa lagi nak jenjalan amek gambar.hehe~