Harini nk cakap pasal MY social anxiety disorder. Yup, I have it now. Not sure it started after ayah meninggal atau lepas I've been badly accused of not doing my job in a meeting. But I think it is after the meeting sebab lepas ayah meninggal, I still did my best in school (I think so).
It happened 3-4 years ago but it feels just like yesterday. The meeting that night was a disaster for me. I don't think I can erase that feeling. It was then when we were all seated in the cold room. It was a post-mortem meeting so each of the meeting members should be ready. We started discussing about how bad our program was. The program was a disaster because of the lack of participants and poor choice of place for the annual camp. As the head of publicity, I was bashed of not giving enough information about our camp program to the other students in campus. there should be two excos for publicity, one boy and one girl. But something happened in publicity period that is before the camp. The boy excos start changing because the former one got sick and because of that I don't know who to work with anymore. So I did the job mostly by myself. The 'best' thing is, I was the only one who got the red card! I was the only one they were blaming. I was the only one that my job wasn't appreciated by the president. My heart was torn into shreds. My palms got sweaty and I blushed with embarrassment. There's not even a single person in that meeting room says that I wasn't the only one at fault. Not even my partner. We were newcomers. We had been an exco just a few months before the camp. They should know better that we didn't receive any proper guidance from the higher level. By the end of the meeting, everyone was shaking each others' hands and say goodbye. My friend even ask me if I had a fever because I was sweating and my cheeks felt so hot in that cold room. Seriously, I don't know who I should blame right now. But I think I'm blaming myself. Every time I think of it, it's like breathing in water. I just rushed back to my room that night..while drowning in tears.
And.. Ada la masa satu program orientasi ni. Ada sesi kenal2 dengan senior. dan tibalah masanya the seniors dan juniors perkenalkan diri masing-masing dan bertukar pendapat tentang the first impression bila kami jumpa each other. so we were divided into groups. My group was about 10 people or something.. all girls of course. Then there's this senior in our group. She is so pretty and I adore every bit of her. So I told her "First impression dekat akak.. akak ni cantik".. she said thanks and began to tell us the first impression she had on me in front of others. "Akak nampak awak tak confident dengan diri sendiri". By that time, it hurts. It hurts more because it was the truth! I wasn't expecting much, but the thing is.. it hurts till now.
that's how my campus life started. Kalau orang yang pernah solat sekali dengan ana, and I was the imam, they will know how cold and trembling my hands were setiap kali lepas solat. Ana baca surah pun with a shaky voice. It's hard to be in the center of attention. To be exact, I hate it. I think that's why I have limitation to my voice. I can't be a leader like this. A leader should have loud voices and be proud of who she is. Dan bila time dalam kelas, ada lecturer tanya soalan. Most of the time, I know the answers. But I couldn't say it... I was so afraid of what other people think of me. Susah betul...
Ana juga tak suka bercakap dalam telefon. I feel suffocated and if the conversation doesn't go to well, I will blame myself for it.
That's why by the end of this week, I will put my president title down from a club in my university. I am truly sorry...